Joined by the Hips

I can’t even count the number of men I’ve had sex with. I used to call my encounters “sex sprees”, unlike going to the best of stores for my shopping pleasure, I went to the lowest of the lowest areas to find men to have casual sex. What on earth was happening to me to make me determine that this was what was best for my life? I think I can pinpoint it. As I said, my low self esteem, and inability to “think” for myself had tons to do with it, but the event that caused the severe devastation was my abortion. I was already a loose cannon but that abortion ya’ll…that abortion mentally allowed me to fire off as I felt necessary. I snapped! The childlike innocence I had was gone.

Hmmm….come to think of it, when I was a kid, I was really, really, really goofy and oblivious. LOL I laughed all the dang gone time. Things were happening to me and I guess I had to learn to laugh to be alright. I remember when my family first moved to Mississippi between ’81 and ’84. That would have made me the between the ages of 7 and 10. I can’t remember old dude’s name that helped us get situated but he was very grown and he made me look into what he called the “eye” of his penis and hold it. I remember our bathroom had 2 entrances and he was on the side where no one would see him making me rub him. He smiled at me…a lot. Should I have felt something was wrong with this? I can’t remember thinking so. I did what I was told. He liked it. I can’t remember giving him any sort of pleasure from it and I hope that I didn’t as parts of my growing up are a blur. But I very well could have during this event. However, when I went into my sex spree, my skills at “looking into penis eyes” was immense. I never had a complaint. I’m thinking, however, that my awesome ability to look into the “eye” of many men came from old dude. So much happened and I was too young to be dealing with grown folk’s thangs. Much of my life I’ve blocked to cope but writing in my diary is a healing experience and I’m starting to remember a few things such as the “eye”. I guess we’ll all see together.

As I’ve previously posted in my blogs, my dad wanted me and made several advances. A cousin liked me. Guys that I knew had their way with me when my mom was away at work. An uncle actually did have his way with me. All of this under the age of adulthood. No wonder I was messed up in the head. I shouldn’t have known how to do the things that I did, but I did. I did them well. Right now, there is a video floating around of me doing those things well; a video of an underage girl getting it on like she was Super Head. I needed it, I guess. I didn’t know much else. I was a straight A student. I stayed in school. I was an artist and I would eventually graduate at the top of my class but no ambition to further my learning… at least not for general education. If there were grades given for sexual education, I would have been the teacher instead of the student grading their ability to handle me.

Oh…yeah…I also didn’t go many places- at all. I think that the sheltering played a major role in my actions. My classmates always wanted me to go places with them but my mom wouldn’t allow it. Not sure why. I think I was responsible enough for my age but she saw otherwise. I would ask to go places and it was always a response of no. I got used to it and eventually just became alright with not being a part of much. They told me that once I got free, I was going to be a mess. I told them they were crazy, but I would like to apologize to them because they spoke the whole truth and nothing but. I was joined by the hips of several men at a really young age.

I know I went on a tangent, but I’m back to the abortion and my hostility. Lee was great, unbelievably, but I already doomed whatever relationship we could have had. The death of our baby was the ax to my mental state. I can’t come up with a good enough description of my emotions at that time. Even now, I am shaking my head because of how sick I had become then. I don’t know the emotion behind taking a life by my own hands, (but almost did as I’ll speak on later) but this was close enough despite my not actually committing the act. Consent was just as good. Now, I have a personal relationship with Death. When you encounter him, he makes sure you never forget him as he sticks closer than a brother. I didn’t forget and twenty years later, I still haven’t. But at that time, I was going to introduce him to those who crossed paths with me. Sex was the way to kill men, at least, in my mind. They loved it just as much as I did, if not more. It’s constantly on their minds and many will tell you they can’t go a few minutes without thinking about it let alone not even having it. I could use this against them- all of them.

Joined by the hips  with whomever, whenever, and however became whatever to me. It eased my pain. My plan was never to hurt anybody but I ended up hurting a few folks -and loved it! I was once the submissive kind but I turned into a lil monster and if it wasn’t right- you were gonna be so upset. I made them work for it but they could never put in enough work. I’d make them feel bad and a few said they wouldn’t return but when I called, a devious smile would come over me because they were coming or I was going to them no matter what they said. Who says no to free booty?  I’d tell them we could be together knowing fool well that wasn’t ever going down. After all, who really wanted me? Nobody. It felt so good to lead them on and have them lust after me…much like in the way I wanted the guys I was with before I turned psycho. I couldn’t have them for some reason or things just didn’t work out. So the way I saw it, my victims couldn’t have me wholeheartedly either. I saw to it. Two of them wanted me real bad, even without given them a taste of anything, and they lost their minds. One was stalking me at my job & talking to my neighbors about my whereabouts, and the other kicked in my front window. I thank God I hadn’t done the do with them yet because just the promise of “cookies” made them stupid. But that still didn’t phase me to see them act like they did because I felt I was in control and they weren’t. I would think, “You mad? Awesome!” Thank God I hadn’t joined them by the hips. Who knows…I could be dead right now!

So you see, close enough to, nor sexual encounters with people who aren’t your spouses can kill you in one form or another. I was killed in a sense. My mind and soul no longer lived. I was decaying the more I gave my body away. I wasn’t happy hurting people through sex, no matter how much I tried to tell myself otherwise. No matter how good the sex felt nor what these dudes spoke out of their mouths, nor how much I lied to them, I was the one hurt. Being told one thing but another is done can have harsh consequences. I did it and it was done to me. You could be with someone who is not committed to you and one, or the both, of you know that commitment isn’t happening anyway. Is that what you want? You can be told, “I love you and you are the only one.” You later find out and or know that you guys actually don’t care ten cents about one another. Is that what you want? You can contract diseases and a few you will never get rid unless you depart this life from joining at the hips. Is that what you want? You can wind up pregnant or the father of a child you aren’t ready for or don’t want. Is that what you want? You can wind up dealing mentally from issues brought on from joining at the hips- you’re sexing everybody and their momma and daddy; you’re drinking like Hennessy is going out of business; you are angry at the world and oblivious to whether you are coming or going; you start changing and you just don’t know why. You don’t even recognize the real you anymore. You’ve just committed spiritual suicide.

We don’t want you to die. I don’t want you to die. We need you to survive. God needs you to survive. He needs you to positively infect as many lives with your spirit as possible. He didn’t create you to be messed over and definitely not become better from it. He didn’t call you to be hurt and not become better from it. He didn’t call you to do whatever you want. He called you to help. Help those who can’t help themselves and after they’ve received, they can now help somebody else. The world will always be in need of help. When you help people with their problems, you will find that your problems lose their power and you’ll receive help yourself because you’ve been so studious in helping them.

So, let me help you out. I know that sex feels good. I do. But it’s not better than the price of your soul and you’ll lose it joining by the hips with someone you may never talk to again. Oh and these friends with benefits: can you tell me one instance that’s working well and one of you isn’t feeling like you want or need more, someone’s feeling jealous and one of both of you are feeling jipped? What about putting your all into someone just to find he or she is already with somebody or married? You’ll never completely have them and they won’t have your trust. I’m so positive this isn’t what you want. The world says you must have sex and everybody has it. I say, “If the world  jumps off a bridge, will you jump, too?” Your answer, please! So, wait on the one created specifically for you. It’s a hard road but in comparison to at least what I’ve spoken about, it’s a better road, right?

I love you guys so much and thank you for reading. I pray the peace of God rests on every last one of you and you trust Him to be there for you even when you feel He can do nothing for you. He can. He has. He will. It’s done!

Cheryl

 

Was It Worth It?

Twelve years is a long time to go without something I was once used to getting on the regular. Sex is natural and something no one feels they should go without, so, they don’t. They don’t think about the consequences and repercussions of their decisions. They only concern themselves with that “loving feeling” in the moment. That moment, that people are so fond of and feel they need nor can live without, will be long gone…like every other moment. Your state of virginity- GONE! Your piece of mind- GONE! Your self respect and worth- GONE! It’s all gone in seconds but you will have the rest of your life to wonder what would have happened had you not gone to the next level.

What’s so special about sex? Well, with someone you like or love, it’s great! I loved it and would still have my share of it had the Lord not shown me what He desires and expects of me. What’s so special about losing your virginity? You think it’s fun and games. I know when I lost mine, I’d felt I’d done this big accomplished thing. However, that feeling was short lived. I was terrified as all of my worst fears were coming true. I assumed I was going to be pregnant because the protection wasn’t really used properly. He told me that he’d be careful with me and he’d be there. He acted like he didn’t know me the very next day. The news getting out that I was a whore was constantly on my mind as I tried to pinpoint what people were thinking when they looked at me. I feared that I would not be able to combat the rumors as worry tormented me. With all of these concerns, my biggest fear had yet to be realized. I grew up Christian so, I am sure you assumed that I was afraid of God Himself, right? Nope! My mom put all fear and trembling in me and as far as I was concerned, her knowledge of my deed far outweighed that of the All Knowing God. In my assumptions of her knowing, I started self diagnosing pre-pregnancy. I smelled foods to see if I would get sick. Being a young overweight teen, I consistently ate wrong but didn’t think I’d be capable of identifying symptoms, so I tried to search for more than unusual cravings as far as foods were concerned. I also thought I’d had kicking in my belly. Aww snap! Yup, I knew I was pregnant. No. I was a hypochondriac! To fix it, I’d used a broken dresser drawer board to hit myself in the stomach multiple times per day to get rid of whatever was there. The fluttering didn’t stop. Finally, I couldn’t take the stress of it, so I told my mom I was raped. She became quiet. Instead of the beat down I expected from her silence, she made an appointment to get me checked out. If it came up that I was pregnant, the next stop was going to be at the abortion clinic. Now, I’d heard my mom make several negative statements about people who have abortions, but she was willing to take me to get one. I couldn’t comprehend it all.

What I did finally understand was that I unnecessarily caused myself stress and I wasn’t even pregnant. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Help for me would never come because I was beyond help, dealing with the esteem issues that I already faced. Adding sex to my repertoire was not an intention. I really wished I’d waited and let my first time be with my husband but I’d never know that feeling. Instead I wished that feelings of fear, anger, torment, guilt, and shame that came with my having sex would disappear. I remembered feeling like this was one of the worst things I’d ever done at the time. Feeling dead inside, I was a lost cause. My mood was way off and I didn’t talk much after. I was scared to death. Scared of my mom and what she would have thought and scared of the rest of the world who may or may not accept me for doing what everybody was doing. Who’s going to want me now? Nobody because I destroyed a beautiful part of myself being overly consumed mentally. It wasn’t worth it.

So, I ask you again: what’s so special about losing your virginity to randoms or your significant other?My boyfriends were great but am I with any of them? No. The randoms had their pros and cons but the cons far surpassed the pros being I was a play thing to them; they then became a play thing for me, worthy to be hurt, as I was a siren that lured men in to my every beck and call. My first time was crazy and my personality and activities changed due to it. I lost from each event at different points in their duration despite my so called power. What have you lost? Some sleep? A piece of mind or pride? Some self respect, power, or support? Your significant others or partners? I lost all of these and you may have lost some, too and you know what? It hurts…a lot. I know you may not think so, but it’s O.K. Like all the other moments I named, these will also pass and the thoughts will be a thing of the past. If you can get to a point where you can accept this, you’re well on your way. If you think about it, you’ll realize you aren’t missing or losing out on anything.

Here’s a funny thought: decide to lose! Lose the negative thoughts that try to control you. Lose the men or women who come into your life claiming love when it’s all lust. Lose everything and everyone that’s brought you down. Believe me, when you make up your mind to go in a positive direction, the negatives will come looking for you. If you have a goal you need to reach and you’re serious about it, people, who feel they can’t reach their own goals, will persuade you that you can’t either. You’ll lose too if you let that foolishness creep in. Don’t gravitate to people, places, or things you know mean you no good. Lose the inkling that you even need any of them as much as it is within your power to do so. What you need is time to get to yourself, sit down, and think. If and when it’s time for you to let go of what and whom you assume you need, you will do so. It gets easier with time to let go of whom and what should not be a factor in our lives. The fact is that somebody needs you to survive and to tell your story so that the next person can get free of what is eating them up inside. What? You thought you were living life for yourself? Nothing could be further from the truth. The whole world is watching you so live to the best of your ability. The stakes on the table are high and it’s your life that you are gambling with. God will step in if you allow Him. He will keep you if you want to be kept. Please wait!

I pray that all of you take some time to think of the words that are written. I hope that they marinate in your hearts and souls. I pray the best for you all. God loves you just that much and knows you are worth the wait.

Cheryl

Icing

“Rubbin’ ain’t sex, boo,” he said. I said, “Yeah, I know what it is. However, I don’t want to put myself in a position that I know will cause an issue.” He says, “I’ll just use toys and rub you until you’re ready for Big Daddy.” I said, “What the what? No! I don’t think that’s wise and I don’t believe in playing with fire.” He asked if my lifestyle prevents me from dating and I said I’ve only had  few dates and I set limits but many don’t like that. “This tells me all I need to know- that the many only want booty,” I said. He became quiet until later that day. However, I was completely done with him. Why? My life is an issue and regardless of what I said, he was sure he was gonna smack it up, flip it, and rub it down like he was glazing Thanksgiving turkey. No respect. But, I’m the one with issues?

I wanted to talk about things pertinent to even allowing a serious pursuance my way, like, whether he was abusive, had a porn addiction, blames the women for the dissolve of his previous relationships, or if he had sex recently- he was totally against this discussion. However, sexing me, he could talk about for forever. If we’re talking, I’m to getting to the nitty gritty. Sorry but not really.LOL A lot of men don’t feel it’s necessary or that it’s too personal. But you want to eat my Jello pudding pops? Seriously?  This is what I deal with as a celibate woman holding on to her beliefs.

Why is it so freakin’ important to have me on the menu? I am not the only female left in the world and there are plenty who give it up for some change, for free, and or for a Happy Meal. LMBO Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against getting my goose cooked, so to speak…I’m just not cooking without the right chef, tools and products, nor timing. Everybody  is caking which eventually leads to eating groceries, tossing salads, swallowing the gravy and, well…you all get the gist. LMBO But, I’m mocked for not giving up the birthday cake. SMH

HEY … here’s a thought: let’s see if someone is honestly willing to bake cake with me. I know I’m goofy ya’ll but bear with me. LOL Ready?

O.K. First, decide if I’m the kind of cake you want. I’m chocolate and who doesn’t like chocolate? I’m filled with mess from my past that I’ve overcome, and still overcoming, with knowing Jesus, prayer,  and support from my family. Next, you’ll want to preheat my oven. Feel me out and see whether I’m worth your pursuance and if not, don’t touch my buttons because you are liable to get burned. Now, do you have all your ingredients? You’ve listened to my hurts, and weaknesses, battles, and triumphs. This can be challenging but not impossible without the right stuff. Now measure everything out. Do you feel I’m worth it? Do you think you have the right amounts of love, integrity, and respect to maintain a loving relationship towards forever with me? Now, mix it all up. Will we mesh or collide? Does my personality offend your pride? Are you able to withstand healthy critique from someone who loves you? If that’s a yes, then take my hand and pour your all into me as you’ve accepted the reality of an “us”. Now we’re baking in a cake pan for as long as necessary but be careful; too long and we might dry out or sink. If just long enough, we will make it out of the heat of trials to the cooling rack of the certainty of a future union. We’ve gone through it all and now our “I Do’s” completes the recipe. Now, are you happy with the results as that’s all that matters?

So, yeah… if these men feel they want to be my next great baker, all applications are welcome but please don’t be upset if you don’t make it to the finale. I don’t think I’m asking for much but if you want to pursue or actually get with me, you must be willing to weigh the costs. I’m not a joke and my time is precious and I have  definitely shown that I have no problem with waiting on my pastry chef. And I’ll wait for him because I know he has waited for me.  A lifetime and forever, until death do we part, is my prayer…the icing on the cake.

I pray, as always, that you are well and finding light and love is Jesus. I pray that you are sharing your light and love because of Jesus. Love ya!

 

The Only Time I Want to Hear-“Negative”

My sister and I were talking on our way to Six Flags. We were listening to this underground rapper, whose name escapes me right now, but he was truly in love with this young lady.  Many men tried to holla at her but she wasn’t interested. He never had the guts to actually step to her but became and remained one of her closest friends. They did everything together and he said he never had sex with her but really wanted to know her for who she was. He ran with the wrong crowd doing bad things and she told him that he was better than that. Because of her, he tried to get his act together but eventually got locked up for some time and they lost contact. When he had gotten out he looked for her. The first place he visited was her mom’s house. He was greeted warmly by the mother but the warmth left as soon as their embrace unlocked. She had news for him. He assumed the worst as she told him that a letter addressed to himself was waiting on her daughter’s bed. He went to read it and, long story short, she was HIV Positive and she knew that by the time he read that letter, her life would be no more. She tells him how proud she was of him, that she loved him and wished she could have made love to him but knew the consequences of her choice had she decided to go there. My mouth dropped and I teared up. This could have been me as I told you all in a few posts back.

So, yesterday I questioned my choices and if it’s worth it: writing this blog, wondering if people actually care about my testimonies or are they laughing at my pain, my decisions to be obedient, the glares I get when people hear I’m not sexing everybody, the “when you getting married look” and a host of other craziness. My answer: my stance is just as strong…if not, stronger! I hope and pray that you all are on my bandwagon.

As I write this, I remembered my sister telling me the stats of HIV positive people in Chicago. Did you know that since 2013, there are 21,602 people living with diagnosed HIV? Probably not. Chicago is reported to have thousands of cases each year and there is no end in sight. People are promiscuous and want to sex who they want, “eat the groceries” of who they want, and then they are afraid of hearing the results of that meal. So, I think my decision to stand firm in the measure of faith that was given to me is well worth it.

I pray that the man that steps into my life sees me as worth it as I know that I am and I’ve not waited all this time for nothing. More so, I hope that he also sees the gift of waiting can build you up not only in the sexual areas but the spiritual, emotional, and physical as well. I for sure have more patience than I’ve ever had and that is well worth it. I have a piece of mind that does not come from mere man. You can have this too if you just make up your mind and wait. If you don’t think it’s for you, please don’t knock the ones who feel otherwise. I’m sure that the men and women in Chicago wished they had waited. I wish it for them and my heart goes out to them and their families.

Accept the words, “You’re negative” coming from your doctor today. Accept the words, “I love you and want what is best for you” coming from your Lord and Savior today.

Love ya guys!

Touch Me…Tease Me

Hello to all my good people! I pray that you have been well while I’ve been away. I’ll be filling you in on all that excitement soon but something else has been on my heart. So…you ready? Here we go!

2008- I’d went to bed feindin’ and mad; feindin’ because I needed to feel what I’d been keeping myself from (notice I said “I’d”… lol) and mad because I couldn’t believe I was going to do this man into a coma and throw away all the work God had done in me. I remember feeling like…”Oh well.” I needed what I craved as the feeling wouldn’t escape me. I did what I could to fight the urges, but not well enough. I slipped away in a momentary world of bliss and self gratification. It was awesome… and over before I knew it. Shortly after that, I’d felt incredibly bad. Why, you may ask? Well, the Lord and I had a previous conversation. I’d ventured down this road a trillion times before, but several times during my transformation, and He told me specifically that I couldn’t indulge in this kind of “self pleasure”. He never said why but commanded me not to, yet I continued to be disobedient. He said if I kept on, I would regret it. “Come on now God! You serious right now?” You have to be real with God so don’t judge me in that conversation because that is how it went. LOL Now, to me, I wasn’t doing anything wrong and I wasn’t hurting anybody. Yeah, but God has His own reasons for everything and I believe His reasons for the command He’d given me was to keep me on my post and to combat an insatiable appetite for sex that I used to encounter daily, sexing men with no rhyme nor reason. SMH and these feelings, ya’ll… oooo weee…. they would be severe! Prayer did not seem to help but I desired to be kept- not enough to stop, though. Guess what? I had gotten sicker than I’d ever been in my entire life. I knew God dealt that whoopin’ for correction because He loves me and knows what is best for  Cheryl. Nothing helped me until I gave up. You will never fight God and win.  I’ve not done it since. I learned real quickly after that. What on earth set off that “A” whoopin’? Let’s see.

New move. New job. New personalities to deal with. I hadn’t been stressed in a hot minute, but the situation that my family and I were in, you wouldn’t have blamed us for any short comings. I’d had my fill of mess and needed some sort of relief. I’d went on a date with a man I’d met at an AND1 basketball game. He was real cool and sweet- maybe too sweet. I liked the attention so I agreed to go out the next day after he kissed me goodnight REAL WELL! I might as well have had sex with him at my door. The urges felt like heartbeats in my lady parts as he almost needed resuscitation having my tongue way down his throat. LMBO Yes, I subliminally told him he was getting it. He wasn’t stupid. He knew he was getting it, too.

Date day. Now before this date, I’d had a couple and would discuss how it went with the fam and this one was no different except I neglected to divulge “certain details”. However, when God needs to throw a monkey wrench, He just does. My sis had an uneasy feeling and asked if I’d prayed about going out. I said no and she said that God told her that I should do so. Of course…knowing what I set out to accomplish- I definitely wasn’t praying and so I did not. Dressed to kill and waiting to go, my fam was chilling with me. They just seemed to have this “look” of which I couldn’t explain, but it was like they knew. They knew something and the more we sat in silence, the more uncomfortable I became. I can’t be tormented so I spilled the beans. My sis did know and didn’t want me to be hurt nor devastated by my decision. I called him to cancel and he never spoke to me again. So yeah, that led me to do what I knew best- Oops! There goes my shirt up over my head…Oh my! LMBO

So, the all important question: If you aren’t having sex, what are you doing? Now that you know touching is also off limits,  what am I doing? It’s been a subject of ridicule by many, but others generally want to know how I do it. For me, now, it’s quite simple: I DON’T DO IT. IT’S NOT ME QUENCHING ANY FIRES. IT’S NOT ME AT ALL. IT’S THE CHRIST IN ME, EARNEST PRAYER, AND MY DESIRE TO BE KEPT. When you want to do something, you will find a way to get it done and vice versa. You are giving yourself options in which to make a choice. I made mine and I constantly make up my mind to stick to it. I have plenty of options definitely now on the dating scene but I have no good reason to dip my pinky toe off in this sea of regrets, not with all I know now.

So, is masturbation wrong? I’ve yet to come across scripture that directly points it out but some may imply it. However, is it wrong for me? Cheryl? YES! God gave me an instruction and if I  don’t follow it, or any instructions He’s given me personally, then yes, I’m wrong. I don’t know what God will tell you but He will not tell you wrong. Following Him down this path has been a blessing as well as very gut wrenching with battling my flesh. Do I want to have sex? Hmmmm…of course. Is there a time and place for it? Yes. However, my time is not now and my place is under the submission of the Holy Spirit- The One Who keeps me. I thank God because I strongly believe that had I kept touching myself, I would have went out and man handled some of these dudes and then have charges brought up against me because  I’d be the first female serial rapist! LMBO So, you see why I have to be a good girl.

God is doing something in me and it’s not solely for my benefit. It’s for those who are also walking this road alone and afraid. It’s for those who feel they can’t wait nor can it be done. It is for those who feel validation as they freely give of their bodies. I’ve been the butt of many jokes for my stance and it’s all good. Fortunately, for me, my walk is not a joke. My piece of mind is not a joke. Sex with me, after the nuptials will not be a joke. Pray for him, ya’ll! LMBO The reward I’m waiting on for my obedience will also not be a joke and I’m so sure the world will not be laughing then.

As always, I pray that you all receive from my words that which you will and be blessed. Know that your Heavenly Father adores you and only wants what is best for you- to be whole.

Love you guys!

Shhh

Please forgive my tardiness again. It’s been hectic trying to write lately. Maybe it’s a good thing as I’ve had quite a bit on my mind. Being on social media, you may hear and read some of the most outrageous stories. Unbelievable, in fact. People say that everything isn’t meant to be shared and you definitely shouldn’t use the airwaves to do so. This may be true. But true for who? Those who have secrets and want them to stay that way?  Me…I’m an open book. I feel that you can’t use anything against me because I put it out there. I use my dirty laundry airing as a healing mechanism, if you will for those who may feel the same way as I but scared to share it. I’ve gotten through to a few folks because of my openness about the nastiest, most  taboo, unbelievable, and earth shattering events from my life. Secrets are curses of bondage and I refuse to adorn my mental self with chains. I speak because I’m free! My freedom has led me to jot down things that normally wouldn’t be voiced.

My mom crosses my mind quite often. She passed a few years back and I wasn’t there. It’s not that I couldn’t be. She didn’t want me to be. She died not speaking to me as we had no relationship. This messes with me. I tried, on a few occasions, to talk with her about my desire to build a real loving relationship. My first attempt ended very badly with her cursing me out and I couldn’t pour any knowledge into her, she stated. I, being newly converted to Jesus, SNAPPED! I got to cursing, too and told her I refused to carry on sweeping things under the rug. She asked me who I was talking to and I sank back into the little shell of a girl that I always identified with whenever my mom flicked her whip. I was taught that silence is golden growing up. I did as I was told…no questions. It would be an issue otherwise.

One of the deepest pains I have towards Mama was when my cousins and aunt beat me up in the middle of street across the way from my house. I couldn’t fight and never had to. I came from Ohio and then later moved to Mississippi where I was cool with everybody I knew. I didn’t have to fight! Then when we moved to Illinois, life was much different as I learned I had to throw them ‘bows. I remember, in the midst of all the punches and hay-makers, falling and everybody whooping my butt. I couldn’t see and could barely hear as I was kicked in my head. I looked over and remember screaming for my mom to come and get me.I made eye contact with her, it appeared. I reached my hands out to her as I was being beat and she……..turned her back and finished sweeping the front porch. What the flim-flam?!!! I figured she heard me but then figured maybe I didn’t scream loud enough over the large noisy crowd as my own hearing was coming and going. I remember crying not just from the beating, but from the back of my protector, my provider, my mother, being turned.

In that moment, I was abandoned. I was left for dead. I remember slipping in and out of consciousness and finally getting relief as my brothers came out of nowhere to get my relatives off of me. They helped to walk me back home and I was devastated. I think this is where my hatred toward her was kindled. I kept seeing her turn her back to me and it replayed for some time through out that day. I didn’t really talk much as I was sore and pissed. I couldn’t even bring myself to look at my mama without feeling sick as she tried to doctor on me. “Why didn’t you help me, Mama?” would be an audible voice in my head for some time. Maybe she was as scared as I was so she froze. We weren’t a violent or fighting family. Maybe she was just scared. Maybe. I never knew. I was too angry and afraid to find out.

Towards the end of that same night, my aunt and cousins came to the house to talk and my mom just let them in all Willy Nilly. I was too done! Somebody needs to get it! I closed up inside trying to concoct the right dose of medicine for my assailants. My silence became real. I stopped talking. Literally. I said nothing. My pain was the engine for one of the greatest lies ever told. I went to bed not talking. I got up the next morning…still not talking. I drooled a little bit and I severely and purposely slurred my speech. My family started getting worried but I didn’t say a mumbling word.LOL I started folding my left hand and foot up as if I had a stroke. I had a lot going in my favor. Prior to my beat down, I suffered an injury playing football with my brothers and their friends and ended up needing a brace for my neck as doctors were concerned I had some head trauma. Well, they had that part right. Lies were broiling inside and were ready to be served. How did I know how to fake the symptoms of a stroke? My dad suffered a stroke and I remembered how he looked. I mimicked what I remembered. My fake paralysis took its toll on my young body. My eyesight was riveted with blindness and my hearing was gone.I stopped eating. I stopped walking, too. I didn’t attend school afterwards. I was eventually hospitalized for a week. How did I pull that off? Ya’ll thought I was kidding when I said I was nuts at one time! The doctors ran all kinds of tests on me and were boggled. They later came to the conclusion that I just suffered from severe muscle spasms. I was doped up on meds and given great attention. Well sure… I was dying. LOL

But, I did die. Mentally, psychologically, spiritually, and finally  physically. The abandonment killed me. The lack of defense from my mother for me killed me. Seeing my relatives come into my house as if nothing took place killed me. Having to be quiet despite how I felt all my life killed me. Not having a voice or a person to go to when I needed to get things off of my chest killed me. Looking in her eyes telling myself I had no beef with her killed me. Not knowing how to tell her so without coming across disrespectful killed me.Being lured into other things that went against my better judgment killed me. I held on to that pain for years which became normal. And guess what? It killed me. I never thought I’d break free of my prison.

When I got myself together, God had me write letters to people that I had hurt and, of course, my every issue with her as well as wrongs against her, including details of my fake stroke, had to come out. I told her why and apologized and asked for forgiveness. She said she was happy to have learned everything but we were still no closer to a real relationship. My truth may have been a hard pill to swallow and maybe hindered things; I don’t know. Later my siblings had gotten into a really big altercation that was discussed on Facebook. I stepped in, opposite the “Old Ignorant Cheryl”, stating pray instead of doing all the bickering. My statement wasn’t well received. My transformation pissed folks off. But when you see the light and yourself for who you are, you can’t help but get it together and call things what they are. I did. Everyone backed off and I was now the holy roller. Well, I knew my stupidity didn’t get me anywhere and I didn’t want my people to find out the hard way like I did. I guess my mom didn’t like it so she backed off as well. Silence from the whole family. I felt the bitter cold from it. Luckily, God had prepared people to step in so when I got knocked over, they could help buffer the fall. I’d be ready with open arms when my family would receive me again.

My mom didn’t receive me. My attempts at communication were met with obstacles. My last phone call attempt was full of hang ups stating that I couldn’t be heard. We had Skype at the time so the call quality was monitored and the reception on both ends was perfect. I remembered all the bad, the ugly, the unspoken pain I had for her in that instant. A couple years passed with no contact until family reached out about her hospitalization and passing. I loved her so much and couldn’t tell her because she was gone. We had no relationship. No more talking about the good, the bad, or indifferent. Had we gotten to talk, I would have voiced my real feelings: I wanted to say, “Mama, I hated you. I hated you for what you put me through. I hated you for what you allowed me to go through. I hated God for giving me the hand He dealt me. I hated the things I felt I had to do in order to make it. I hated the ways I felt towards you. You were the blame for all my sexual acts, my bullying, my bitterness, my self hatred…Even now, I still have healing to do. But, God has used this pain to make me stronger. God has used this pain to motivate me to forgive, to be an example, and to encourage. He has used this pain to tell people that joy truly does come in the morning. I forgive you, Mama and I’m so sorry for any pain inflicted on you through ill will on my part. Please forgive me. I love you so much. May you rest in peace.”

I’m sure this is a topic many might say I could have kept to myself but this is my diary and I write in it what and as I please. I spoke at my mother’s funeral with these thoughts in my head as I looked down at her casket. Regret and and anger was present. Mixed emotions and fears along with a whole host of others. I really missed her. I know that had our relationship been built on a strong foundation, the sickening paths of destruction I took would never have come about. Had I known love, peace and joy, I never would have searched in the wrong places for it nor  became a monster dictated by emotions I allowed to run rampant. I’m sure she may have also came to some of the same self conclusions. But these paths were walked and I’m grateful.There was a time that my mom had seen me on a better path and she rejoiced with my friends that she as elated that I was doing better. I have more testimony than a lil bit and I would be sinning to keep quiet. Silence is not golden and to remain so can and will bring death, in some form, to yourself and to those that you could have helped by telling what you have endured and finally overcame. Their blood is literally on your hands. I share with you as I know there are people dealing or have dealt with some of what I have spoken. You can make it. You can get healing and you can live, be, and speak…Free!

I love you all with the love of Jesus Christ as only He can bring about this transformation of love and forgiveness. How selfish of me it would be not to share what He has so graciously given me to bare witness for His very Existence and His Glory and His Mercy. He is Love.

Cheryl

A Divine Revelation of a Reconstructed Life

Have sex or don’t have sex? That is the question. We live in a world where having casual sex is the driving force behind almost everything that we do. They say, “Everybody has it.” I used to say it. Today, my motto is: “Not everybody has it because I don’t.” Yes, this coming November will mark my 12 year celibacy milestone. I’ve been practicing sexual abstinence only by the sheer strength of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, as well as, the love and support of my family. I’ve been blessed in my journey as it has tried and worked out my patience in other areas. For His work and creativity in me, I call myself an over comer and a living testimony. However, I had not always been so victorious.

I’m going to be honest with you; I never had any intentions to see this thing through. My last sexual escapades were in November 2004 and not by choice. For some reason, guys seemed to stop paying my flaunting my goods any attention. It literally halted. So I wouldn’t feel the sting of rejection, I stopped trying to throw myself out there. I got the chance to start beauty college in 2005 and focused my energy there. I met a young lady who seemed really enthused about being a woman of God. She had all kinds of advice and books on it. One book, in particular, called to me: Your Knight in Shining Armor by P.B. Wilson. It described a 6 month reconstruction period on how women should see themselves as valuable in the eyes of God, how to prepare yourself for a godly man, and to take an inventory of what needs to change or stay the same in your life. A vow had to be taken in order to get my promised new life underway which included spending time with God and having absolutely NO contact with men. Period. I “promised” the Lord I would do it and began my consecration. Now, you may ask why I placed quotations around the word promised. My commitment wasn’t real because I actually didn’t believe God existed, so I just said the words with no heart behind them. Once I finished my process, I was going right back to my old way of life and that was having sex with whomever showed me their pearly whites. As I look back on my promise, I see the importance of keeping your word, whether to yourself, or done in secret behind closed doors. I learned this lesson quickly.

During the last couple of months of my reconstruction, I’d been invited to live with a married couple that I knew from church. I’d observed many people saying that they lived for God but these people were different and they revealed God’s true existence to me. I’d broken my vow, which no one knew I had made besides myself, by socializing with men online. Remember? In case it slipped your mind, I wasn’t supposed to have any contact with men in hopes to get to know them. The Lord disclosed this information to my new friends and when I was confronted, I was shocked. I finally knew there was an All Knowing True God. I was also mad because I could no longer just do as I pleased and now had Someone to answer to. Fear crept into my mind because I wasn’t sure what else God had revealed to the couple as I tried to look like a “good girl”. One thing was sure and it was keeping my vow. I refocused and grew quite curious about God and why He would choose someone like me of all people. My findings resulted in new wisdom that conquered the desires to be noticed by some man. The necessity to have wild, crazy, almost hostile sex was no longer mandatory. The seal of approval from men no longer held precedence over what God said about me. Fear of not having sex and being alone no longer resembled shame and failure as an “ideal woman”. I transformed into a new creation that even I couldn’t believe. My thinking and speaking were different and I knew I couldn’t go back to my former life. God had shown me entirely too much and I needed to know more.

In my new lifestyle, I gave God His time. He deserved it. I learned what He expected from, allowed of, and would not tolerate from me. I began to witness the goodness of God to others in hopes that many would change especially since some of them knew the former “Cheryl”. I was joy filled and told my testimony to whomever would listen of how premarital sex ruined my life and would give them the Good News as an antidote. Yes! I finally got it. My mind was made up and I set out to live a life pleasing to my Savior. When I let go and let God, my life seemed easier, but in fact; it became much harder as the trials of my faith rushed in like a flood.

The battlefield of the mind is real. The things we should not do are so easy to get into while that which we should entertain is accompanied by the most extreme of struggles. Oh goodness…the craziness ensued. There were many days that men just started appearing to me out of thin air when they had paid me no attention previously. I wanted to do what I knew worked in order to get what I wanted, as they would say all the right things. I’d gotten offers from many of them to “cure” me of my abstinence as if I’d contracted some rare disease. Attacks of ridicule and uneasy questionings came from some of my family, friends, associates, and unbelievers. Several of them assumed I had been brainwashed as they tried to remind me that they knew how I used to be. They would be offended and discussions would lead to full blown arguments. If that’s not all, I had to even fight against my own pride and reasoning for my stance when it would arise. This would happen at the most opportune times, definitely, when I would fall from my focus on God, Whom was my foundation for living this life in the first place. I wanted to have sex and badly. The sheer “taste” of it was greatly missed. I thought about it all the time and it seemed to be that way, more so, than it was when I was having sex. The amount of prayer and discipline I had to practice seemed no match for an insatiable appetite and I was hungry. I used to be president and ambassador in the sex world and Satan wasn’t letting that go easily. With all the hard work he invested in my sinning, that was not happening without a fight from that demon himself. Sexual dreams were becoming more frequent and severe as I would awake in panic, thinking I really had sex. Desires to be caressed and kissed sensually held my attention at an alarming rate. I’d even gotten to a point where self pleasuring had became an option but God had warned me about the consequences of such a decision if I had chosen to play with a flame that would have started a monstrous fire. I ignored the warning, thinking I could get away with it, and had gotten sicker than I ever had before in my life. Coincidence? I think not. Yup…God is not mocked. I made sure not make that mistake again. I desired to be kept much more than I desired to seek pleasure for my body and carnal mind. I prayed and prayed that the Lord would keep me because I knew if I messed up in this area, I would have messed up my life. I could have messed up the lives of those who heard my testimony. I knew people were watching me and waiting on my failure. So many things had come against me, but God was for me and still has my back every step of the way.

I don’t think I started this journey just because I picked up that book that day. I didn’t have to comply with its demands and even after realizing God was real, I didn’t have to continue this path because, honestly; who listens to and follows the Lord? I could have easily did as I pleased. No, I had to continue just because He had already given me a preview of what was in me during that reconstruction; Jesus was alive in me and I could do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I had no excuses to live otherwise. I was shown that I could live without the desires and demands of sex. It took some time but I did it and I’m still continuing to fight the good fight and I’ll run till I finish. I can’t be told just any old thing nor can some man flash his pearly whites and expect my Victoria’s Secrets to just start tumbling down. I live victorious as I am not afraid to speak of my highs and lows, the goodness of God and the importance of knowing who you are through Christ, as well as, the need for a loving relationship with Him. I am now a woman in waiting for the man made in God’s image especially just for me. I’ve waited all of this time, so failure is not an option nor is it in my vocabulary. If you are going to do this, it is necessary to identify your enemies as you count the cost of your walk with the Lord. Spoiler Alert: your enemy is not your family, friends, co-workers, or naysayers. It is an anti-Christ mindset. If you are going to go against Him, failure is impending. If your mind is set on either positive or negative, so shall your results be. That’s just in life in general. Reap the benefits of just waiting on the Lord because patience is a gift and a virtue and God gives of it freely.

I thank the Lord for allowing me the strength, confidence, and peace to write as He leads. I also thank Him for opening your eyes, ears, hearts, and minds to His peculiarities. May He draw close to you as you willingly draw closer to Him. He loves you that much.