Mommy’s Sorry

You never knew me, but I only got a glimpse of you. And no matter how many times I say sorry, it won’t make it right. But I am sorry. When I found out your existence, there should have been tears of joy. Instead, supposedly joyous news was accompanied by tears of pain and fear.

Attempting to leave an abusive relationship for the millionth time was draining. The last contact for awhile was with him pushing mommy out of his moving car and finishing me off with my beating. Several weeks prior, I’d met an awesome man. He knew my faults and issues and they didn’t concern him. He begged me to leave my baggage behind and allow him to care for me. I just couldn’t understand why. He made me feel safe and valuable so I gave my body to him. His name was Lee but you would have called him, “Daddy”. Finally, we knew we’d be together, but the nutcase that I embodied ended it all. Why? I felt I had a new secret that would make him draw the line. In my bitter cold towards him, he continued to pursue me until the one day the cold overwhelmed him. He succumbed to the silence and finally gave up.

That’s what mommy was good at, too… Giving up. Upset and confused as to why I longed for the hand that beat me instead of the one that helped, I lost myself. More depressed than ever, I noticed I slept way more than usual and went from starving myself to over eating. Things weren’t normal but the red flag was an irritating throbbing heartbeat in my neck. I had to get checked out.

Mommy found out alright. I was pregnant… With you. I slipped right passed the doctor who didn’t realize it was me after he left me in my room to get dressed while he fetched​ the nurse to do blood work. I wasn’t happy. I cried all the way home. What was I to do? I had no support and the support I did have, I shunned. I told my neighbor who told me about places that took care of “problems”.  In disbelief of my consideration, I felt I had a problem… you. You were a problem. I am so sorry baby but mommy couldn’t keep you and my shamble of a life filled with too many people to please.

That was it! The decision was made. 3 weeks later, I’d saved up the money to destroy your life. I arrived early to start my consultation which took hours instead of the half hour like everybody else. I was supposed to be in and out. I wasn’t. I KNEW I WAS WRONG. The tears poured and poured. All day. Never ending. The closest I’d came to leaving was seeing you on the ultrasound. You were just 6 weeks… Then you were no more.

I pray that one day I’ll see you again and that the time will be filled with joy, but if it’s not, I’ll understand because since I paid for your blood to be spilled, mommy died too. Then, my life needed to end. I couldn’t cope and so I lost it untill the day Jesus pulled me up and told me He loves me. He had forgiven me and I finally forgave myself. My hope is that you will too. Mommy now fights for other babies like you with mothers like me, in hopes that I can change minds with my testimony so that a new mother emerges instead of a grief stricken shell of a woman. You died, but not in vain because I vow to fight the good fight until the Lord decides the day of my sunset. Mommy is truly sorry.

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