I sat there shaking in my hotel room bed tearing up. It was so bad that I got worried that I would do something real stupid. The temptations started calling my name again. Not sure what brought it on but I did not try to deny my flesh its wishes. I was sexually ready and even thought about my ex in the midst of the visions of us together. I wanted to say, “Lord please forgive me for what I’m about to do because I can’t wait any longer. I am only human and You know my heart. If You’ll just overlook this one just this once, I will live as You have allowed me. Let me hook it up and then hopefully You’ll forgive me afterward. Please help me because I give up.” Yeah this is what I wanted to say as it was in my heart along with the urges that I entertained. I allowed that penny-ante nonsense to get into my head when I know better.
With tears in my eyes, here was my actual prayer: “When Lord, when? Where is my man? How much longer do I have to wait? Is he even looking for me? I keep having these seemingly very real sex dreams and no fulfillment in sight. It’s been 12 years without kiss or touch and these urges keep getting worse and worse. God, I need to get Fk’d!”
Now, I am sure there are those who have an issue with this prayer. He’s Holy and go before Him revering Him as such. True. God is Holy and He commands that we come before Him in spirit and in truth. I have a relationship with Him and told Him how I feel as He truly knows what’s in my heart so, to rain dance a prayer, hoop and holler, or beat around the bush with Him would be a slap in His face and a waste of His time and mine. I can be real with Him and we all should be able to be because if you aren’t, don’t worry about getting any real help from The Almighty God. When I neared the end of my rant of complaining, I thanked Him for helping me through it because I almost let go but my desire to be kept still outweighs the desire to abort this gift that He’s so graciously placed in me.
So…after an hour or so, I started feeling like myself again. I thought about what was going on in my thought life and I’d been talking to an ex, who made me feel desired again. We only had a couple of conversations that weren’t O.K. to have but I checked them so that we could continue to talk without issues. If it couldn’t be uplifting then we couldn’t continue. I made sure to stay in my spot prayer wise so I could dodge the arrows being fired at me. I realized that the more I stayed on my post, the more the attacks would come. You must be tested in some way, shape, form, or fashion. Even in prayer, you can’t let down your guard and I clearly did let mine down. So, it made sense that I didn’t realize where it came from in the heat of the moment.
Oooh…I just thought about the fact that I have given life to some issues by slightly dwelling on them: I’m getting older and still not married; I have no children and won’t from my own womb (unless God steps in); I’ve considered making moves to speed up these processes rather than wait on the Lord like I know I should. I know all these things won’t solve anything. When does worry solve anything? It doesn’t. But I have started feeling like I’m on a schedule or I need to rush, and or force God’s hand.
The fact is, I’m not on anyone’s schedule. I have written up my own and God never gave me instructions to do so. It’s been me, calling the shots rather than calling His name profusely. I can’t rush the Lord in doing what He’s going to do. I don’t want to mess His plans up although I really wished I knew some of them so I could just chill. The severe need to know things has been something I’ve dealt with my entire life. So, yes, I need to know when my man is coming and if he’s looking for me. I need to know how my marriage will be and if he’s the right man for me. I need to know how sex will be and if these urges will be satisfied as I won’t be testing any waters previous to my wedding day. I need some answers Lord, but more so, I need to sit and pray and put everything in perspective as my flesh is doing more of the talking than it should. It’s not my will…it’s Yours, Lord. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God (Phil. 4:6). Give me something to go on, Lord…anything…the struggle is real but I’ve waited this long, I will stand and continue to wait.
I pray the strength of the Almighty God in you all…to wait on or for whatever it is He has gifted you with patience. I also pray that you keep your relationship and prayer life with Him 100. Anything less is truly unacceptable and he expects your all in its rarest form. Love you guys!!!