Stains

So, we all know that I write on the raw, the gruesome, and most taboo situations from my life. A little over a year ago, while I was thinking what I could do useful with my time, my sis gave me the bright idea to start a blog. I wasn’t sure what to write, already feeling that I can’t be that interesting of a person. I’m not rich nor famous. I’ve not reached an awesome feet that deserved recognition. So what should I write? When I wrote my first college paper, my sis also told me to write on something that I knew or loved. I exceeded my professor’s expectations as well as my own after I turned it in. I took that same advice and began “Diary of a Celibate Woman” and today I have a nice following. Now, I knew that I was hurting severely at one point and healed due to help so I would write on those events that caused my newfound wisdom. I had some fears because I just knew the looks and glares that would come about, but I prayed and felt that, yes, write the uncut, unedited, unapologetic verses that created a testimony in my life. I’ve been through some things and if I was to write, it would be about those things in all their glory. So, now that some of  you know some of the nasty events of my life, wouldn’t it be awesome to know the possible root? I know that I’ve received a couple of revelations recently as God has been uncovering some of the reasons that I’ve responded the ways that I have in my life.

Some of the things that have been hardest in my life to get a grip are anger, lack of forgiveness, silent treatments, grudges, sweeping issues under the rug, desires to fight, and the evil eye. Growing up, I was prohibited from speaking my mind, from feeling disappointment, and anger. My parents had issues that trickled down to us kids, and as a result, learned the behaviors and took them on, even into adulthood. I am not speaking on the behalf of all my siblings, but for me, these stains bled through the spirits of my parents and rubbed off in my upbringing, leaving behind the tracks of their existence. The magnitudes that I dealt with some issues have diminished greatly while others are no longer a factor. A couple still live on and smears my heart negatively every time something happens.

Anger and the desire to fight: A man… a dude, genetically stronger than myself, almost met Jesus in the air two weeks ago. LMBO He was defending the ignorance of his female friend after I voiced to my sister what she had done. He didn’t like it. We exchanged a few calm in demeanor, yet gut punching words, before my sister stepped in and told the man his friend should have done better. I saw fire and brimstone in both my hands like I was a Master Roshi from Dragon Ball Z . LMBO SMH… It may be funny now, but then, I cried because of the fury I felt inside and my inability to just be O.K. because it honestly was nothing, and the lack of seeing that I spoke wrong despite the cool manner. From where did these traits derive? I was bullied by my dad and later by my mom, and even later by cousins who beat and hospitalized me. I guess in all my years, I’ve held it but didn’t have a revelation until then.

Silent treatment: One Christmas, my mom bought me a blue jean coat with the thick white cotton trim on the pockets the end of the sleeves and the interior. I loved it. My sister mysteriously messed up her coat so I loaned her my new one. She wore it all the time and it would be some wear and tear. However, she broke the zipper to my surprise as I observed a bread bag tie in its place. I asked what happened to it and my sister was offended that I asked and so a slight argument ensued. My mom stepped in and rather than diffuse the issue, she took a side, definitely the one that, in my opinion, she should not have been on. Not long afterwards, there was silence from them towards me. My mom then gave me the “evil eye”… which is a look that tells you either, “don’t you dare,” or “you know fool well your behind is cooked if you do other than what was supposed to be done!” Now in my adult life, I’ve struggled with not keeping silent just to spite a person. I’ve also adapted my mom’s evil eye.  When I don’t think the silent treatment gets through to you, the evil eye usually does. Just looking at you upside your head like you are crazy has also been embedded in my brain by my mom.

These are not good traits to have, definitely if you wish to continue to grow in Christ. These things have can stunt your growth, divide relationships or halt the ones that could have been. As adults, we wonder where certain things we deal with begin. When there is nowhere else to look, search your childhood. Ask someone that knows you or at least can lend some insight. I didn’t realize my reasons for the evil eye was because of the way my mom dealt with me until my sister and I started talking yesterday about how I deal with her kids. I am an exact copy of my mom in this area. I cried because it hurts to learn the painful things about ourselves. I would never intentionally hurt my nieces and nephews but I have been doing so because I’ve been hurt. Now that I know I am doing it and possibly why, I’ve been working hard to erase this stain that may have definitely damaged some of our communication.

I want to be all that God has called me to be. I want to have all that He has called me to have. I am not easily offended- but I am. Today, I will declare that I am not… and walk in it. I don’t hurt others- but I do. Today, I will declare that I will not hurt anyone else… and walk in it. I don’t give the evil eye- but I throw the evil eye like darts. Today, I will declare that my eyes will display love.

It’s severely hard to change for the better. I thought that not giving it up was hard. Giving up my rights to be mad, hold a grudge, put my hands on you, or snapping you up has got to be some of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But to have long lasting relationships and or build new ones is what God desires to complete through people. I know that I don’t have to do it, but I must be obedient and willing to die and take what is necessary for the love of people like He died for the love of people. I can do it and if He has my back in living celibate then I know He has my back through uprooting what he did not place in me- these stains.

 

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