I can’t even count the number of men I’ve had sex with. I used to call my encounters “sex sprees”, unlike going to the best of stores for my shopping pleasure, I went to the lowest of the lowest areas to find men to have casual sex. What on earth was happening to me to make me determine that this was what was best for my life? I think I can pinpoint it. As I said, my low self esteem, and inability to “think” for myself had tons to do with it, but the event that caused the severe devastation was my abortion. I was already a loose cannon but that abortion ya’ll…that abortion mentally allowed me to fire off as I felt necessary. I snapped! The childlike innocence I had was gone.
Hmmm….come to think of it, when I was a kid, I was really, really, really goofy and oblivious. LOL I laughed all the dang gone time. Things were happening to me and I guess I had to learn to laugh to be alright. I remember when my family first moved to Mississippi between ’81 and ’84. That would have made me the between the ages of 7 and 10. I can’t remember old dude’s name that helped us get situated but he was very grown and he made me look into what he called the “eye” of his penis and hold it. I remember our bathroom had 2 entrances and he was on the side where no one would see him making me rub him. He smiled at me…a lot. Should I have felt something was wrong with this? I can’t remember thinking so. I did what I was told. He liked it. I can’t remember giving him any sort of pleasure from it and I hope that I didn’t as parts of my growing up are a blur. But I very well could have during this event. However, when I went into my sex spree, my skills at “looking into penis eyes” was immense. I never had a complaint. I’m thinking, however, that my awesome ability to look into the “eye” of many men came from old dude. So much happened and I was too young to be dealing with grown folk’s thangs. Much of my life I’ve blocked to cope but writing in my diary is a healing experience and I’m starting to remember a few things such as the “eye”. I guess we’ll all see together.
As I’ve previously posted in my blogs, my dad wanted me and made several advances. A cousin liked me. Guys that I knew had their way with me when my mom was away at work. An uncle actually did have his way with me. All of this under the age of adulthood. No wonder I was messed up in the head. I shouldn’t have known how to do the things that I did, but I did. I did them well. Right now, there is a video floating around of me doing those things well; a video of an underage girl getting it on like she was Super Head. I needed it, I guess. I didn’t know much else. I was a straight A student. I stayed in school. I was an artist and I would eventually graduate at the top of my class but no ambition to further my learning… at least not for general education. If there were grades given for sexual education, I would have been the teacher instead of the student grading their ability to handle me.
Oh…yeah…I also didn’t go many places- at all. I think that the sheltering played a major role in my actions. My classmates always wanted me to go places with them but my mom wouldn’t allow it. Not sure why. I think I was responsible enough for my age but she saw otherwise. I would ask to go places and it was always a response of no. I got used to it and eventually just became alright with not being a part of much. They told me that once I got free, I was going to be a mess. I told them they were crazy, but I would like to apologize to them because they spoke the whole truth and nothing but. I was joined by the hips of several men at a really young age.
I know I went on a tangent, but I’m back to the abortion and my hostility. Lee was great, unbelievably, but I already doomed whatever relationship we could have had. The death of our baby was the ax to my mental state. I can’t come up with a good enough description of my emotions at that time. Even now, I am shaking my head because of how sick I had become then. I don’t know the emotion behind taking a life by my own hands, (but almost did as I’ll speak on later) but this was close enough despite my not actually committing the act. Consent was just as good. Now, I have a personal relationship with Death. When you encounter him, he makes sure you never forget him as he sticks closer than a brother. I didn’t forget and twenty years later, I still haven’t. But at that time, I was going to introduce him to those who crossed paths with me. Sex was the way to kill men, at least, in my mind. They loved it just as much as I did, if not more. It’s constantly on their minds and many will tell you they can’t go a few minutes without thinking about it let alone not even having it. I could use this against them- all of them.
Joined by the hips with whomever, whenever, and however became whatever to me. It eased my pain. My plan was never to hurt anybody but I ended up hurting a few folks -and loved it! I was once the submissive kind but I turned into a lil monster and if it wasn’t right- you were gonna be so upset. I made them work for it but they could never put in enough work. I’d make them feel bad and a few said they wouldn’t return but when I called, a devious smile would come over me because they were coming or I was going to them no matter what they said. Who says no to free booty? I’d tell them we could be together knowing fool well that wasn’t ever going down. After all, who really wanted me? Nobody. It felt so good to lead them on and have them lust after me…much like in the way I wanted the guys I was with before I turned psycho. I couldn’t have them for some reason or things just didn’t work out. So the way I saw it, my victims couldn’t have me wholeheartedly either. I saw to it. Two of them wanted me real bad, even without given them a taste of anything, and they lost their minds. One was stalking me at my job & talking to my neighbors about my whereabouts, and the other kicked in my front window. I thank God I hadn’t done the do with them yet because just the promise of “cookies” made them stupid. But that still didn’t phase me to see them act like they did because I felt I was in control and they weren’t. I would think, “You mad? Awesome!” Thank God I hadn’t joined them by the hips. Who knows…I could be dead right now!
So you see, close enough to, nor sexual encounters with people who aren’t your spouses can kill you in one form or another. I was killed in a sense. My mind and soul no longer lived. I was decaying the more I gave my body away. I wasn’t happy hurting people through sex, no matter how much I tried to tell myself otherwise. No matter how good the sex felt nor what these dudes spoke out of their mouths, nor how much I lied to them, I was the one hurt. Being told one thing but another is done can have harsh consequences. I did it and it was done to me. You could be with someone who is not committed to you and one, or the both, of you know that commitment isn’t happening anyway. Is that what you want? You can be told, “I love you and you are the only one.” You later find out and or know that you guys actually don’t care ten cents about one another. Is that what you want? You can contract diseases and a few you will never get rid unless you depart this life from joining at the hips. Is that what you want? You can wind up pregnant or the father of a child you aren’t ready for or don’t want. Is that what you want? You can wind up dealing mentally from issues brought on from joining at the hips- you’re sexing everybody and their momma and daddy; you’re drinking like Hennessy is going out of business; you are angry at the world and oblivious to whether you are coming or going; you start changing and you just don’t know why. You don’t even recognize the real you anymore. You’ve just committed spiritual suicide.
We don’t want you to die. I don’t want you to die. We need you to survive. God needs you to survive. He needs you to positively infect as many lives with your spirit as possible. He didn’t create you to be messed over and definitely not become better from it. He didn’t call you to be hurt and not become better from it. He didn’t call you to do whatever you want. He called you to help. Help those who can’t help themselves and after they’ve received, they can now help somebody else. The world will always be in need of help. When you help people with their problems, you will find that your problems lose their power and you’ll receive help yourself because you’ve been so studious in helping them.
So, let me help you out. I know that sex feels good. I do. But it’s not better than the price of your soul and you’ll lose it joining by the hips with someone you may never talk to again. Oh and these friends with benefits: can you tell me one instance that’s working well and one of you isn’t feeling like you want or need more, someone’s feeling jealous and one of both of you are feeling jipped? What about putting your all into someone just to find he or she is already with somebody or married? You’ll never completely have them and they won’t have your trust. I’m so positive this isn’t what you want. The world says you must have sex and everybody has it. I say, “If the world jumps off a bridge, will you jump, too?” Your answer, please! So, wait on the one created specifically for you. It’s a hard road but in comparison to at least what I’ve spoken about, it’s a better road, right?
I love you guys so much and thank you for reading. I pray the peace of God rests on every last one of you and you trust Him to be there for you even when you feel He can do nothing for you. He can. He has. He will. It’s done!