Was It Worth It?

Twelve years is a long time to go without something I was once used to getting on the regular. Sex is natural and something no one feels they should go without, so, they don’t. They don’t think about the consequences and repercussions of their decisions. They only concern themselves with that “loving feeling” in the moment. That moment, that people are so fond of and feel they need nor can live without, will be long gone…like every other moment. Your state of virginity- GONE! Your piece of mind- GONE! Your self respect and worth- GONE! It’s all gone in seconds but you will have the rest of your life to wonder what would have happened had you not gone to the next level.

What’s so special about sex? Well, with someone you like or love, it’s great! I loved it and would still have my share of it had the Lord not shown me what He desires and expects of me. What’s so special about losing your virginity? You think it’s fun and games. I know when I lost mine, I’d felt I’d done this big accomplished thing. However, that feeling was short lived. I was terrified as all of my worst fears were coming true. I assumed I was going to be pregnant because the protection wasn’t really used properly. He told me that he’d be careful with me and he’d be there. He acted like he didn’t know me the very next day. The news getting out that I was a whore was constantly on my mind as I tried to pinpoint what people were thinking when they looked at me. I feared that I would not be able to combat the rumors as worry tormented me. With all of these concerns, my biggest fear had yet to be realized. I grew up Christian so, I am sure you assumed that I was afraid of God Himself, right? Nope! My mom put all fear and trembling in me and as far as I was concerned, her knowledge of my deed far outweighed that of the All Knowing God. In my assumptions of her knowing, I started self diagnosing pre-pregnancy. I smelled foods to see if I would get sick. Being a young overweight teen, I consistently ate wrong but didn’t think I’d be capable of identifying symptoms, so I tried to search for more than unusual cravings as far as foods were concerned. I also thought I’d had kicking in my belly. Aww snap! Yup, I knew I was pregnant. No. I was a hypochondriac! To fix it, I’d used a broken dresser drawer board to hit myself in the stomach multiple times per day to get rid of whatever was there. The fluttering didn’t stop. Finally, I couldn’t take the stress of it, so I told my mom I was raped. She became quiet. Instead of the beat down I expected from her silence, she made an appointment to get me checked out. If it came up that I was pregnant, the next stop was going to be at the abortion clinic. Now, I’d heard my mom make several negative statements about people who have abortions, but she was willing to take me to get one. I couldn’t comprehend it all.

What I did finally understand was that I unnecessarily caused myself stress and I wasn’t even pregnant. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Help for me would never come because I was beyond help, dealing with the esteem issues that I already faced. Adding sex to my repertoire was not an intention. I really wished I’d waited and let my first time be with my husband but I’d never know that feeling. Instead I wished that feelings of fear, anger, torment, guilt, and shame that came with my having sex would disappear. I remembered feeling like this was one of the worst things I’d ever done at the time. Feeling dead inside, I was a lost cause. My mood was way off and I didn’t talk much after. I was scared to death. Scared of my mom and what she would have thought and scared of the rest of the world who may or may not accept me for doing what everybody was doing. Who’s going to want me now? Nobody because I destroyed a beautiful part of myself being overly consumed mentally. It wasn’t worth it.

So, I ask you again: what’s so special about losing your virginity to randoms or your significant other?My boyfriends were great but am I with any of them? No. The randoms had their pros and cons but the cons far surpassed the pros being I was a play thing to them; they then became a play thing for me, worthy to be hurt, as I was a siren that lured men in to my every beck and call. My first time was crazy and my personality and activities changed due to it. I lost from each event at different points in their duration despite my so called power. What have you lost? Some sleep? A piece of mind or pride? Some self respect, power, or support? Your significant others or partners? I lost all of these and you may have lost some, too and you know what? It hurts…a lot. I know you may not think so, but it’s O.K. Like all the other moments I named, these will also pass and the thoughts will be a thing of the past. If you can get to a point where you can accept this, you’re well on your way. If you think about it, you’ll realize you aren’t missing or losing out on anything.

Here’s a funny thought: decide to lose! Lose the negative thoughts that try to control you. Lose the men or women who come into your life claiming love when it’s all lust. Lose everything and everyone that’s brought you down. Believe me, when you make up your mind to go in a positive direction, the negatives will come looking for you. If you have a goal you need to reach and you’re serious about it, people, who feel they can’t reach their own goals, will persuade you that you can’t either. You’ll lose too if you let that foolishness creep in. Don’t gravitate to people, places, or things you know mean you no good. Lose the inkling that you even need any of them as much as it is within your power to do so. What you need is time to get to yourself, sit down, and think. If and when it’s time for you to let go of what and whom you assume you need, you will do so. It gets easier with time to let go of whom and what should not be a factor in our lives. The fact is that somebody needs you to survive and to tell your story so that the next person can get free of what is eating them up inside. What? You thought you were living life for yourself? Nothing could be further from the truth. The whole world is watching you so live to the best of your ability. The stakes on the table are high and it’s your life that you are gambling with. God will step in if you allow Him. He will keep you if you want to be kept. Please wait!

I pray that all of you take some time to think of the words that are written. I hope that they marinate in your hearts and souls. I pray the best for you all. God loves you just that much and knows you are worth the wait.



6 thoughts on “Was It Worth It?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s