Hello to all my good people! I pray that you have been well while I’ve been away. I’ll be filling you in on all that excitement soon but something else has been on my heart. So…you ready? Here we go!
2008- I’d went to bed feindin’ and mad; feindin’ because I needed to feel what I’d been keeping myself from (notice I said “I’d”… lol) and mad because I couldn’t believe I was going to do this man into a coma and throw away all the work God had done in me. I remember feeling like…”Oh well.” I needed what I craved as the feeling wouldn’t escape me. I did what I could to fight the urges, but not well enough. I slipped away in a momentary world of bliss and self gratification. It was awesome… and over before I knew it. Shortly after that, I’d felt incredibly bad. Why, you may ask? Well, the Lord and I had a previous conversation. I’d ventured down this road a trillion times before, but several times during my transformation, and He told me specifically that I couldn’t indulge in this kind of “self pleasure”. He never said why but commanded me not to, yet I continued to be disobedient. He said if I kept on, I would regret it. “Come on now God! You serious right now?” You have to be real with God so don’t judge me in that conversation because that is how it went. LOL Now, to me, I wasn’t doing anything wrong and I wasn’t hurting anybody. Yeah, but God has His own reasons for everything and I believe His reasons for the command He’d given me was to keep me on my post and to combat an insatiable appetite for sex that I used to encounter daily, sexing men with no rhyme nor reason. SMH and these feelings, ya’ll… oooo weee…. they would be severe! Prayer did not seem to help but I desired to be kept- not enough to stop, though. Guess what? I had gotten sicker than I’d ever been in my entire life. I knew God dealt that whoopin’ for correction because He loves me and knows what is best for Cheryl. Nothing helped me until I gave up. You will never fight God and win. I’ve not done it since. I learned real quickly after that. What on earth set off that “A” whoopin’? Let’s see.
New move. New job. New personalities to deal with. I hadn’t been stressed in a hot minute, but the situation that my family and I were in, you wouldn’t have blamed us for any short comings. I’d had my fill of mess and needed some sort of relief. I’d went on a date with a man I’d met at an AND1 basketball game. He was real cool and sweet- maybe too sweet. I liked the attention so I agreed to go out the next day after he kissed me goodnight REAL WELL! I might as well have had sex with him at my door. The urges felt like heartbeats in my lady parts as he almost needed resuscitation having my tongue way down his throat. LMBO Yes, I subliminally told him he was getting it. He wasn’t stupid. He knew he was getting it, too.
Date day. Now before this date, I’d had a couple and would discuss how it went with the fam and this one was no different except I neglected to divulge “certain details”. However, when God needs to throw a monkey wrench, He just does. My sis had an uneasy feeling and asked if I’d prayed about going out. I said no and she said that God told her that I should do so. Of course…knowing what I set out to accomplish- I definitely wasn’t praying and so I did not. Dressed to kill and waiting to go, my fam was chilling with me. They just seemed to have this “look” of which I couldn’t explain, but it was like they knew. They knew something and the more we sat in silence, the more uncomfortable I became. I can’t be tormented so I spilled the beans. My sis did know and didn’t want me to be hurt nor devastated by my decision. I called him to cancel and he never spoke to me again. So yeah, that led me to do what I knew best- Oops! There goes my shirt up over my head…Oh my! LMBO
So, the all important question: If you aren’t having sex, what are you doing? Now that you know touching is also off limits, what am I doing? It’s been a subject of ridicule by many, but others generally want to know how I do it. For me, now, it’s quite simple: I DON’T DO IT. IT’S NOT ME QUENCHING ANY FIRES. IT’S NOT ME AT ALL. IT’S THE CHRIST IN ME, EARNEST PRAYER, AND MY DESIRE TO BE KEPT. When you want to do something, you will find a way to get it done and vice versa. You are giving yourself options in which to make a choice. I made mine and I constantly make up my mind to stick to it. I have plenty of options definitely now on the dating scene but I have no good reason to dip my pinky toe off in this sea of regrets, not with all I know now.
So, is masturbation wrong? I’ve yet to come across scripture that directly points it out but some may imply it. However, is it wrong for me? Cheryl? YES! God gave me an instruction and if I don’t follow it, or any instructions He’s given me personally, then yes, I’m wrong. I don’t know what God will tell you but He will not tell you wrong. Following Him down this path has been a blessing as well as very gut wrenching with battling my flesh. Do I want to have sex? Hmmmm…of course. Is there a time and place for it? Yes. However, my time is not now and my place is under the submission of the Holy Spirit- The One Who keeps me. I thank God because I strongly believe that had I kept touching myself, I would have went out and man handled some of these dudes and then have charges brought up against me because I’d be the first female serial rapist! LMBO So, you see why I have to be a good girl.
God is doing something in me and it’s not solely for my benefit. It’s for those who are also walking this road alone and afraid. It’s for those who feel they can’t wait nor can it be done. It is for those who feel validation as they freely give of their bodies. I’ve been the butt of many jokes for my stance and it’s all good. Fortunately, for me, my walk is not a joke. My piece of mind is not a joke. Sex with me, after the nuptials will not be a joke. Pray for him, ya’ll! LMBO The reward I’m waiting on for my obedience will also not be a joke and I’m so sure the world will not be laughing then.
As always, I pray that you all receive from my words that which you will and be blessed. Know that your Heavenly Father adores you and only wants what is best for you- to be whole.
Love you guys!