Herpes. Gonorrhea. Chlamydia. Yeah… I’m not talking about any of those. However, I am going to discuss a series of events of which I contracted “S.T.D’s”… of the mind, in exchange for my physical body… Sexed To Death. I know people say it’s alright to have casual sex and will tell you that you aren’t hurting anyone. Is that so? I’m going to briefly share 3 life altering events from my past of which I will devote more time for detail later, but each almost took my life.
Eric. I met him at work. He was cool. We hung out a couple times and we ended up dating. We made it official a few weeks later after sexing like crazy. Nothing more. He didn’t build me up in any form. He’d come over and I’d cook and smoke weed with him as he’s the one who introduced me to the Chronic. Lol It made me mellow and goofier than I was. I only smoked with him. One weekend he brought a friend over and they rolled some blunts while I was cooking. He smoked it, gave it to his friend and then told me to hit it. I did and I was instantly numb on my lips. I told him and he said to hit it again. Why Lord? Why did I do it after the first puff? I went completely numb from head to toe. I screamed to the top of my lungs because I knew I was dead. I ran to my bathroom so quickly, I thought I’d went through the wall. He told me to eat as he laughed at me but it didn’t help. I saw and did some crazy stuff too that I’ll share in depth later. I went to call my mom and say my final goodbyes and that I loved her, but I froze… Just to see the night sky open to clear daylight and fire. Yup, I was a goner. Lmbo I tried everything to feel something including cutting myself. Finally, I tried to jump off of my 11th floor balcony- not to kill myself, but to feel something… anything! Terrified to sleep, I drifted off and woke up just to realize I’d made it through the night as well as to see Eric attempting to sneak out. I asked him to help me get dressed and take me to my mom’s. He walked me to the bus stop and that was the last I’d seen of him. He left me for dead after I had given him all of me. All of that to have sex and a man? You tell me if it was worth it to have him between my legs. I gave him my mental and emotional being and then I almost allowed him to claim my physical life.
Mike. I met him one morning on my way to work. We made small talk and agreed to see each other later. We did and the rest was history. I moved him in since we were in love. He showed me everything including what I didn’t want to acknowledge. He was sweet, a provider, aggressive, possessive and later, abusive. Our first year was great until he lost his job and snapped which led to our first domestic altercation. I wake up on the floor in my front room when I was just on the elevator. How did I not remember this? Oooooh… He knocked me the hell out! He said sorry and promised it would never happen again. Wrong! It happened over the course of another year until I had gotten the courage to leave him but not without fighting for my life first. He picked me up to talk but it was a set up. We drive away from my house and then he started punching me with one hand while steering with the other. He then pushed me out of the moving car and parked to finish me off. When he’d gotten close enough, I sprayed him with my new police issued regulation mace… It didn’t work though because he was the Terminator. Lol We came to full blows and I could bear no more from him. I was able to grab his shirt, acting like I’d given up, and pulled it over his head, pushing him into traffic. I didn’t care because I was running for my life. All this for sex and a man? You tell me if it was worth it to have him between my legs. I gave him my mental and emotional being and then I almost allowed him to claim my physical life.
Gerald. Several years later, this guy crept into my life. I’d had sex with so many men that it wasn’t funny. This one took away the sting of rejections and abuse. Mentally, he was my new drug…a compliment to my ego. He wasn’t a boyfriend but “something” to pass the time but said he’d take the place as my man if I wanted. He had his own house and business. One night I decided to “gift” him for being so nice. I made it to his house dressed really sexy and assumed he wanted the same thing that I’d come up with. We had dinner and then subliminally agreed that it’s about to go down. I was ready for him but something was wrong. I didn’t know what it was. As he kept trying to push in, I pushed him up. I remember thinking, “I’ve sexed so many men. Why not this one?” He got upset but said it was OK after I told him that I just couldn’t go on through with it. He said, “But we started. Let’s just finish.” I left. Confused, a bit mad, and out of control, I had to go. I hated those feelings because as I’ve described in other posts, by this time, I had lost it and I called the shots and assumed full command of who and what I let and did not let into my life in any fashion.
A few weeks later, my little brother came to talk to me. He looked worried. He looked like he had something to say rather than just talk. He asked, “Did you get down with ole boy?” With shock in my face and a little disgust that he asked me so bluntly, I said, “Kinda. Why?” He said, “Well, you know he used to go with Such and Such?” I was like, “OK?” My brother, with tears welled up in his eyes said, “You know she has AIDS and you better go get checked.” I was devastated. My lifestyle had finally caught up to me. My death was surely at hand. I went and got tested as soon as I could. That was the longest two weeks of my life… waiting to see if I would soon physically die. My result was negative. All that for sex and a man? You tell me if it was worth it to have him between my legs. I gave him my mental and emotional being and I almost allowed him to take my physical life.
So… Please… Tell me you can’t wait. Tell me I’m a fool for waiting. I sexed so many men with deadly consequences of some sort at the expense of my mind, body, and soul. It is truly and only God. His Grace and His Mercy has granted me several chances to live and get it right. I know for a fact that I shouldn’t be alive. But I am and I will constantly tell my life’s story. I didn’t have a road map for making good decisions. So, I’ll lend you mine in hopes the steps you’ll take will be better than mine. Learn from me.
I pray the peace of God is constantly with you in this world that demands you to be in agreement with it. It’s scary, but you aren’t alone and it can be done. Wait!