Hey guys! Please forgive my hiatus. I’ve been in deep thought about some stuff. Have you ever wanted to do something, but just not sure what that something was? I’ve been feeling this for some time and I think I may have an idea. I want to be able to help people but not exactly sure how to get to where I need to with it so I thought, why not post here as I’ve been doing and maybe it will lead somewhere else. My testimony is a nice beginning.
Another reason I live my lifestyle is because of an abortion. In 1996, I met a guy after the abusive one I described in my post “The Start of it All”. He was really sweet but I honestly wasn’t ready for him. I was not together mentally, physically, spiritually, nor emotionally so how could I enter into a relationship? Not possible! Maybe for some, but if you are honest with yourself, you may come to the same conclusion.
So, as you all know, I was on my power trip and it led me to this guy of which I had several sexual encounters. I know this may sound crazy but I “knew” I was instantly pregnant. Lmbo It’s true! Well, it wasn’t protected and he seemed “satisfied” to the very end. Yup! That confirmed it for me!SMH You may laugh but guess what? I was right! Of course, not that very moment but yes, I found out I was pregnant. It was not a happy time.
At one point, my mother and I had stopped talking but eventually “reconciled” differences. I was terrified to tell her as I always needed her approval and wanted to get rid of the baby. I would have messed up there as well because she explained how horrific people are who have abortions and her sister was one of the club. Yeah. I’ll keep it to myself I figured. I knew I couldn’t have a baby.
Abortion day. June 1996. I found myself with a neighbor in Granite City Hope Clinic for Women with numerous other girls and women of all ages, alone and accompanied by a male. Some acted as if this was cool or on a “to do list ” while others were just as seemingly scared as myself. What should have taken a total of two hours took me all day. I knew God was going to get me but I couldn’t leave without going through with it. I finally took my pills, left for the O.R. procedure and then it was done. No more baby. No more problems. Life as normal.
Life was not normal. In fact, it had only gotten worse. I became hostile, overly emotional, bitter, fear engulfed, discouraged and dead inside. I over worked to compensate for the void I’d self inflicted. All I told myself for years was that I was a killer and I’d killed my child. I stayed away from kids including my nieces because I felt I couldn’t be trusted. This was no way to live.
When I’d given my life to the Lord and started my new life style, I knew people not only needed to hear the celibacy briefings, but what led to it. My abortion is a major part of this journey and why it’s important to wait and value yourself as worth it. If I’d valued myself earlier in my life, had a support system and one that held me accountable for actions, of course, I think I would have made better choices. If I knew the definition of love in comparison to lust, I would have never walked that path.
I now know better. I choose to share my experiences in hopes my mistakes will be a learning tool. I want other young girls and women of all ages to know that they are valued and loved and not alone. I want them to know that abortion is not the answer in the long run. I want them to know that your child doesn’t die alone. You die with them. I did. I don’t wish it for anyone because my life was hell and so, I made life hell for everyone else. I want people to know that regardless of what has happened or has come against you, you can win. Failure is not an option. The only failure is if you don’t try. My life is a testimony of falling but continuing to get up. Notice I said “continuing”? I’ve stayed afloat because of my family, my sheer desire to be better than the old me, and my Lord Jesus. You can too.
May the Lord keep you in your heart, your thoughts, and your very life.