I’ve wondered why, all this time, I’ve still no husband. I’m aware that it is in God’s timing. But what’s He waiting for? Is my guy not ready yet? Is his past breaking him maybe? Is he even Christian yet? Or… is it me? Am I good enough? Had he seen me & was like, “Nope!” ? Now, waiting doesn’t phase me much anymore, but these questions, left unchecked, do plague me at times. So what’s the problem or better yet, who’s the problem? 😁
You ask why? I’m practicing celibacy & gave my life to the Lord, right? You may pull some scripture out the air to counter this, but what I’ve learned in my walk is He’s not a joke, wants what’s best & demands my YES. I haven’t given it in every area. I’ve done the hardest thing ever, which was give up sexing men from different area codes, but I can’t give up teeny tiny grudges, hate, & record keeping? You may say, “Aawww, you’re human. You’re trying.” Yeah, I’ve been “trying” to let go since 2006. It’s 2018…I’m still walking around the same mountain!
My mountain? DISRESPECT. Whether I know you or not, you can’t disrespect me or it’s curtains. At a young age, I felt I couldn’t let you back in my good graces & toss my pen & pad used for records because you’d repeat your mistakes. You had to pay. I grew up like that & it was all I knew & it kept me “safe”. I handled people in devious ways, definitely, if I couldn’t physically hurt you. I had to come through for myself back in the day because, in my mind, God never showed up, but He‘s been telling me I could give it ALL to Him. All He wants is my YES. I still couldn’t give it & didn’t plan on it but plans do change.
Last year, I developed a side pain that‘s not going away. I’ve doctored on myself & I’ve been to the doctor. Every test I’ve taken has shown things to be normal. I had a hysterectomy due to fibroids & pain in 2015 & everything is gone except my ovaries. Yet, my symptoms point to ovaries. I see this. My sister sees it. Why can’t the doctors see it?
I’ve still not given God my YES so I believe He’s given something to help me reconsider: pain. Alarms went off, huh?😂 Well! He’s repeated Himself for years, all while at work on my behalf, prospering & blessing me. However, He cares more about my inside appearance than the outside gains. I think I’m one of the most beautiful chocolate women you’ll ever meet, but get on my bad side. That’s just a NO. The Bible says in 3 John 2, “Beloved, I pray that in every way you may succeed & prosper & be in good health [physically], just as [I know] your soul prospers [spiritually].”
He is saying literally that God will bless you with the material & physical aspects AS YOUR SOUL PROSPERS IN HIM: The Living Word. So I believe He’s stepped in. You might say, “God wouldn’t do that. He’s a loving God.” Yes. Exactly. Just like our earthly parents will give discipline for correction because they love us, so does our Heavenly Father Who truly knows all & is Love.
I know He loves me but He’s also a Parent & won’t tolerate disrespect either. So yeah… Putting on my big girl drawls & taking responsibility. Marching to the beat of my own drum finally caught up to me. It’s my fault. I can’t be upset. I’ve been in pain almost 8 months with no relief & it’s only getting worse and it won’t end until He’s deemed so. Time to get it together, huh? Duh! I’ve guesstimated the reason I’m not married is because my refusal to let go could negatively impact or end my future marriage. I don’t want to mentally or emotionally hurt my husband, or anyone I encounter, but my pride loves to get even.
“Vengeance is Mine,” says the Lord… Not Cheryl’s. I’m tired. I’m tired of hurting & fighting Him knowing I can’t win this one. A few days ago, I finally gave in & said, “I’m done. I can’t promise I’ll do it perfectly, but I’ll try & I never really tried. I’m afraid to tell You, “yes” because I know I’m going to fail & You won’t fix it the way I believe You should. This is why giving up was so hard but I give up.”
Saying these words gave me a release. No… Not from the pain in my body but that in my soul. Just yesterday, I’ve made small steps & I see Him at work even as stuff hurts me. I’ve never admitted this but I’m weak & frail & I absolutely don’t want to be viewed as the person that I worked so hard to hide for many years because I was ashamed of her. However, my weaknesses are made perfect in His strength, meaning, I can’t do anything good or right apart from Him, but in Him, I can do it all. I’m sure I can nip this in the bud if sex was one of my greatest weaknesses & it’s been conquered. I gave it to Him & now I’ve been the poster child for celibacy over a decade. But what do those years mean in disobedience, a cold heart & mercilessness? The Bible states that it means nothing if you don’t display love and forgiveness.
I know many religious holy folks have a big issue with this, as well as many others, & it’s ok. My relationship with Jesus, despite my disrespect & disobedience to Him, allows me to be real with Him, myself & you. He would not allow me to continue hurting people no matter the treatment I received because I know better. Hurting people only causes a Domino effect & I was part of the problem. This may not be your case, or that of someone you know, but it is for me & I count it a blessing that He loves me enough to not allow me to be more beautiful outside & so unpretty inside. No, I don’t like my pain but I’m appreciative & I’m reminded of something extraordinary that I’d forgotten. Beauty is pain. Oysters go through much irritation to make pearls. Dirt gets inside the shell & causes discomfort in the midst of trying to remove it. That constant struggle & pain eventually creates one of the most beautiful & expensive pieces of jewelry. Too, God sees my worth and has given an irritation to make me just as beautiful.
May God bless your heart to be overwhelmed by True Love: Jesus Christ.